he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
