For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
how does that bad decision feel?
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