I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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