my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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