im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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