My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
