Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
