I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
