im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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