No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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