Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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