he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
