Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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