we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
