we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
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Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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