omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
