in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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