this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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