New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize