Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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