Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
