there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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