we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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