I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
