I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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