and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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