i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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