if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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