I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
