Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
