You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize