I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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