Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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