that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
