I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
