The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
