So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
