i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
