Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
