I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Ladies don't puke and tell
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
