The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
