i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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