i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
