can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
