I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
