ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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