How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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