Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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