my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
