Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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