saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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