he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
