i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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