and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
