She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When are your genitals available?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
