I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Vodka?
Forever.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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