Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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